You show off a new shirt to your spouse. You picked it out because red is your favorite color. He says, "It looks nice on you, but I always liked you in blue because it brings out your eyes."
Would you think that that's an abusive comment? Not if it's said in a loving manner!
But if your spouse said something like, "Well, why'd you pick THAT shirt? I guess you would....if you like that sort of thing." Would you think that that's an abusive comment? Absolutely. What's the difference in those 2 statements? The differences are three-fold......tone of voice, body language and the words actually spoken. The second statement also carries a degrading undertone. Emotional abuse is said to be more harmful than physical abuse because it cuts to the very core of a person's self esteem. It can cripple the victim in far more ways than physical abuse. Physical wounds heal. But emotional wounds cut deep. We all exhibit these behaviors on some level at points in our lives. But what makes the relationship abusive is the habitual nature of the behaviors. It happens on a continual basis and forms a pattern. The abuser is seen as more dominant in the relationship. This person will control you through behaviors, actions and words to erode your self esteem, confidence, self worth, trust (in yourself and in others), and your emotional stability. Even non verbal behaviors like heavy sighs, eye rolling, disgusted glances, giving the cold shoulder, slamming doors, banging cups around, and punching holes in the walls can be considered abusive. Emotional abuse cuts to the core of a person because the behaviors are more subtle. Being told you're ugly, that no one else could possibly love you, that you're a deadbeat parent, and that you can't do anything right is more about sabotaging the victim's spirit and inner self. Abusive Behaviors Below is a list of things that I've experienced and felt as a victim of emotional abuse and domestic violence. At first, I didn't realize this was abusive until I began to research my feelings. 1. Living in fear of my partner. 2. Walking on eggshells, being extra careful about what I said and did. 3. Felt humiliated and degraded during the many times he made fun of me. 4. Felt such shame when he pointed out my mistakes. 5. Felt so unwanted and unlovable. 6. Felt so alone because I lived so far away from family and friends. 7. Felt like my opinions never mattered. 8. Never felt appreciated for the hard work I put in to keeping the house running while he was deployed for nearly 8 months. 9. Was criticized for the smallest details, like when hot chocolate was spilled on the children's stroller. 10. Felt incapable of doing the simplest of tasks like folding laundry or putting dishes in the dishwasher, because he kept "correcting" me. Kept telling me, "Someday you'll get this right." 11. Was coerced into spending too much on my credit card "for the children." 12. Was blamed for things that went wrong, including the abuse. 13. Felt like a slave, as I was always expected to clean up. 14. Was accused of things, like cheating or taking "his" money. 15. Felt like a different person when he wasn't around. 16. Never felt validated. My feelings were always dismissed.
Other behaviors that fall under the umbrella of abusive are isolating, withholding, criticism, demeaning, accusing, minimizing, threatening and even shaming, ridicule, and rejection.
Recognizing Being able to recognize abusive behaviors is the first step towards ending the relationship, and beginning your healing and recovery. If you recognize these signs, I urge you to reach out. There is help out there. It's because of my NX that I spent years feeling worthless. He stole those years from me. But I took back my power. I took back my self worth, my self esteem, my pride and my life. You can too! Have you been in an emotionally abusive relationship? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you sharing your stories with me.
21 Comments
Pammie
7/19/2016 12:33:43 pm
first family....then film sleeping with the enemy.....
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Jenn
7/19/2016 01:24:11 pm
Pammie....Yes, I understand. The movie is an excellent example. It's a chilling reminder just how abusive relationships can get.
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Jessica
7/20/2016 07:38:30 am
I actually felt sorry for him due to his abandonment issues...I feel like he used me for 13 years then just discarded me and our autistic daughter and moved in so quickly to his now wife and her two kids...looking back on those 13 years, you described my life with him...despite everything he did I truly loved him, and I don't think he ever did.
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Jenn
7/20/2016 09:35:21 am
Jessica....I'm sorry you endured what you did. It's the same for a Narc....use and abuse, then discard and move onto the new supply. Your love was real, his was not. I hope you and your daughter have an amazing future. I will be thinking of you both.
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NotHer
5/21/2018 04:01:13 pm
I understand how you feel. i do love him and want to see him happy. But the last 24 yrs mean nothing and he's moved on with his ex that has been an issue for 9 years. I know I deserve better and my daughter deserves a good example of what to do if a guy does this to her.
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8/8/2016 09:17:25 pm
All of my life, every single time I am around her(my birth vehicle), I feel as plain and empty as she looks continuously TRYING to show me to hate myself. How sad for her, she can't see the beauty she created,
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Jenn
8/8/2016 09:26:36 pm
Rachel.....It is sad for Narcs indeed when they can't see the beauty that's right in front of them. Good for you that you see your beauty and worth! Stay strong. I'll be thinking of you.
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Lisa
8/12/2016 01:58:21 am
My family. Then everyone else.
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Jayne
8/19/2016 01:28:47 pm
YES I've been in a abusive relationship with N husband got discarded 3 yrs ago & homeless on street ever since don't know where to Get help narcissistic SOCIOPATH recovery
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Jenn
8/21/2016 12:22:59 am
Jayne......Try searching for help at your local church. They'll likely have a list of resources for you, some of which may include women's shelters or area homeless shelters. Good luck to you. I'll be thinking about you.
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Ava
7/31/2017 11:14:25 am
Yes recouping from 14 years when finally the courts found me innocent of all accusations and lies after losing house retirement self esteem and confidence of once being a top Rep in the top ten category of sales in entire us. Now trying to sort this uncanny feelings I couldn't understand my reactions and feelings after all the dust is settling.
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11/15/2017 04:23:41 pm
Hello there. It has been hard to catch my breath after reading the above. I wasn't allowed to express feelings. He was in charge of the money. He didn't give any encouragement. He allowed his family to put me down & did not defend me. He wouldn't allow me to leave him 22 years ago. He left me for another woman in September. Without asking, just telling me. He lied about his faith until his preacher father died. Now that he has someone else to believe his lies he filed for divorce. He insulted me for the last 5 years while telling the other woman how awful I am. She tends to all his needs so now I can leave his life. All the above mirrored my life. I was married for 36 yrs. I thought his behavior was because he is a porn addict. Thank You for allowing me to know that I am worthy of air. I am able to breath now. Carolyn.
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Richard
11/26/2017 04:38:08 pm
I'm a 45yo disabled man with PTSD and am forced to live with my borderline mother that refuses to see what her verbal and emotional abuse do to me. Its like being a kite at the end of your string, getting ever closer to snapping and heading for a panic attack. She calls it De-sensitizing. Banging and crashing plates together, scraping metal forks hard against her plate, just to get a reaction from me. I know why people with PTSD kill themselves. They cannot control their environment, and most people couldn't care less about it. Isolate....isolate...isolate.
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12/16/2017 06:20:58 pm
Richard,. My name is Carolyn. I am sorry for the actions of your mom. I understand how hard it is to be around someone who is supposed to love you, but their actions scream "I hate you" . I have often wondered what made them think that with holding love & support is helping? I will hold you up in prayer. That I know I have.
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Shannon
1/11/2018 06:22:05 am
I have been with a verbally abusive man who Will not move out and about the o go through the restraining order against him..a process i had not followed they and hasn't been anything but worst.
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Bev
3/12/2018 09:19:16 pm
Him and I went to see sleeping w/the enemy, and afterwards he leaned over and asked me, "is that me?"
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Barb neverallowingitback
8/30/2018 04:43:17 am
Thankyou for being here so i can continue to learn about this monster I married 20y ago. . Im 3m into nc . I kicked my narc out. I never knew about his secret world of 4+ psy reports per the va. Learned these after I threw him out for good. I know now ,that his death threats were dangerous ,still are ,when i told him to get out of my life ,i dont love you, and havent for years. Whew loving myself more and more daily im getting better.learning about the trama hes done to my mind. Your post are helping so very much thankyou
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Ashley Pokoyoway
9/18/2018 10:05:15 pm
Spent 10 years with someone who did this and much worse. 5 years was marriage. He had two children who i watched grow up and called me mom. When i got the strength to get out i not only lost my self but 2 great kids who i could no longer have contact with. We just recently started talking again its been 3 years since i left and his son reached out to me. I have him everything, from being the only one who worked all year while he sat around and did nothing for 6 months out of the year . I drove every other weekend to go get his children which was as far as an 8 hour drive so he could see his kids who no longer speak to him or see him since i left. Somedays are still hard, dreams are less which is nice. Im still trying to figure life out again who i am again. He completely destroyed me i left with 4 bags to my name. I lost everything. Slowly getting back on my feet and figuring out how to socialize again and have a voice. I wasnt allowed one for so many years. I hope it gets easier its been 3 years and im better but still scared of so many things. And no one really understands it. I could tell stories of physical abuse as well as emotional and mental but i wont bore u with the details.Getting out was the best thing i ever did. And im never looking back.
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9/1/2020 05:35:25 am
My father was a Narcissist. He died in 2009 age 101. All my life he found fault and never showed any love. 4 months after his death I started having walking problems. 10 years on I cannot walk unaided and use a walker. I am seeking counselling with Women's Aid because I believe that something needs to click in my brain so I can walk properly again. I am now 80 years old and this has been lifelong.
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Merrilee Tead
5/29/2021 08:43:26 am
I have just ended 15 years with him. He is still messing with me. Right now I feel shattered like glass and have to try to put the pieces of me back together. I need glue!
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sandra garside
8/10/2021 04:47:59 pm
my husband was a narc ihe discarded me after we started a business he put the business in my name the bank account was in my name he emptied the my busuness account and left me pennyless im now in the middle of a divorce
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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