A Narcissist’s smear campaign is an underhanded way to destroy a survivor’s credibility and reputation. The Narcissist will spread vicious lies and rumors, all the while playing the “woe is me” card and playing the victim. Naturally, all we want to do is verbalize our innocence and defend ourselves against this smear campaign. But doing so is a very bad idea.
Narcissists feel justified in running their smear campaign because we somehow failed to meet their unreasonably high expectations of us. By spreading gossip, they can play the innocent victim and make us look bad.
Why defending ourselves is a bad idea In a normal situation where someone is talking bad about us, the first thing we want to do is rush to defend ourselves. It’s only natural to want to stick up for our good name. But there is nothing normal about Narcissists. There is nothing normal about a breakup with Narcissists. They run their smear campaign fast and hard. Sometimes, even before the relationship is over so they can get a jumpstart on ruining your reputation. When we want to defend ourselves against the smear campaign, all it does it prove the Narcissist’s point:
The only way to defend You might have heard this before. The only way to defend yourself against the Narcissist’s smear campaign is to not take part at all! Stay silent. You see, they expect a reaction from us. They want us to launch into a tirade. By staying silent, we are ultimately creating a plausible deniability in the situation. We are denying the Narcissists their smear campaign. When we rise above their nasty and vicious lies, and go about living in a healthy manner, we are creating doubt in any outsider’s mind. We are not giving any truth to what the Narcissists are saying about us. When we continue on with our lives, we are creating reasonable doubt. It is an indisputable way for outsiders to see that we are not what the Narcissists say we are. That there are discrepancies or holes in the Narcissists’ stories. The reason behind the smear Narcissists run their smear campaign because they cannot let the truth get out about what they really are. They want to scare us into silence so that we don’t speak freely about what we endured. So, in their minds, by destroying our reputations and credibility, they are essentially creating an atmosphere for themselves where they can keep getting away with their Narc tactics. I mean, why not? No one is there to stop them or create reasonable doubt. Right? Bottom line By not outwardly defending ourselves against the Narcissist’s smear campaign, we will end up letting them dig their own holes. All we have to do is stay silent and go about our lives. We move along in our healing path. We spend time with our family and friends, having fun and enjoying life. Eventually, the masks will fall and outsiders will begin to see the Narcissists for what they are. And when that happens, I can promise you, the vindication that we will internally feel will be sweet. I know that staying silent will be difficult. But isn’t having a blog and Facebook page like mine doing the complete opposite of staying silent? Not really, no. I am not naming my NX by name, nor am I smearing his name. I am merely vocal about my experiences with him, coupled with what I’ve learned in my research (like tactics and healing methods). I found my voice and I’m using it to spread awareness about Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse. What are your thoughts? Comment below. And as always, I appreciate you for sharing your stories with me.
54 Comments
Kimberly Rosenthal
4/13/2017 12:53:16 pm
I found this article very helpful. My husband and I are dealing with his narc ex wife right now. Even tho he's moved on, she married the guy she cheated with, she's still trying to destroy my husband. They have 4 adult kids and so far she's turned 2 of them against him now she using them to get the other two to rally to her side. Luckily it's not working so far. She's been smear campaigning him for 4 years now. That's her primary tactic right now. During the divorce she wanted more money so she tried to say he abused her for 28 years. When that didn't work 4 years later, after driving a wedge between him and his son we had to file a restraining order on his son who threatened to kill us. She used that opportunity to write a letter to the courts and say he abused the kids. It was a 6 pg letter saying how scared they all were etc etc. the other two kids laughed at it cuz they know it's a lie but it cut my husband pretty deep. We've gone "no contact" with the two kids, some family and friends that are in contact with her. We are. Wry clear about the boundary we set especially when grandkids are in the picture. It's unfortunate we have to do this but she's very dangerous and cannot let him live his life in peace. Our fear is if she has contact with future grandkids she will try and say he's abusing his grandkids. We cannot take that chance. My husband is the kindest, most loving honest hardworking man and father I know. She never worked so he worked 3 jobs st times and coached all their soccer and football games. It feels like such a betrayal to him that his other two kids are falling for her lies. I explained to him narcissism is a powerful force only the weak minded will fall for it. It's not him he's a good man. We're seeing a counselor for this seems to help but it takes time. But ignoring it is the best tactic to use. We've done that not letting her see a reaction. Ty for the post I found it very useful.
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Jenn
4/15/2017 04:21:21 pm
Kimberly......I'm sorry that you and he are enduring all of this. Narcissists don't care who they hurt. Even their own children. And that's what she's doing by turning the 2 away from your husband. She is depriving them of a relationship with him. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I hope that one day, those 2 children will see the truth. Hang in there.
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D
7/25/2022 11:45:47 am
This is so similar to my story.
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Wendie
4/13/2017 04:31:04 pm
What do you do if they're doing it in court with much at stake?
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Jenn
4/15/2017 04:23:38 pm
Wendie......I don't blame you for feeling that way. It may seem like it's no win. But don't be drawn in to the tactics. The Narc just wants you to "lose it" in court to prove his theory about you.....that you are the one with the problems. This is why it's imperative to keep all documentation you have with toxic people. That will be your best defense. Keep all emails, texts, voicemails, letters. I wish you luck.
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Lucy
6/30/2017 08:20:04 am
Unfortunately my husband lost all contact with his kids. By court order he is not allowed to contact them at all till they are 18 - but we still have to pay! She had unlimited money and hired the best lawyers and we couldn't keep up with all the lies. At the last hearing it was proven that she had lied about him being violent to their previous headmaster and banned from the school but that didn't matter as the kids had already been poisoned against him. There never seems to be any consequences for lying in a court.
Lisa
9/11/2019 11:35:54 am
This is to Lucy. Ask yourself why you are writing about your husband on this website? Why is he getting you involved in his drama with his ex wife? You are not his divorce attorney so how is it your problem? This sounds harsh but what about your marriage to him? It seems you're trying to solve all his problems. Do you have children with him? Examine how he treats your children? Just the fact you are spending so much time and energy on him takes away from the time you can spend with your children. He is a grown man who can solve his own problems. You need to pay attention to your own children and your own needs. You are not his divorce attorney. Don't waste your time on his divorce.
Liz
9/7/2019 05:03:58 pm
For dealing with a narcissist in a divorce or other court matter, read the book called:
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Carter
6/16/2017 04:41:59 am
Mine is a smear campaign and it's ruining the reputation of our family but most important our teenage daughters. It's amongst a church group and the rumors have spread like wildfire. We cannot get away from the narcissist and our narcissist has enlisted the help of 2 other narcissists and have multiple flying monkies. I have physical proof and witnesses that can attest to the proof of the lies. What can I do?
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Julianna
7/1/2017 09:52:17 am
Carter........No matter how much proof we may have, it's really never a good idea to defend oneself against the smear campaigns. I have heard though that the need for such defending in court is essential. But other than that, if we engage with the Narcs in such a manner, it'll only serve to prove the Narc's point that we are the unstable, crazy and bitter ones. Speaking of our experiences is one thing. Even posting informational things on Facebook can be effective without mentioning the Narc by name. But if you decide to put the Narc's name out there on social media like that, they can construe it as defamation of character and COULD bring legal charges. I'm not a lawyer so I can't advise regarding any legalities in such cases. But it's always a wise course of action to not blast a toxic person's name on social media like that or even go around showing the proof to all who would listen.
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rashida khatib
7/9/2017 06:03:14 am
Yes be silent do not smear his name and behaviour but keep all your proof. The knowledge that you have it is your arsenal and your weapon(though silent) do not stoop to his level and whoever believe and follow him are not worth your time of day and energy. Only an idiot look at one side of the coin and his actions has to stop someday. Keep your dignity and self respect.Believe in your worth cause Narcs are cowards,shallow and dispicable excuses.
Aileen
6/3/2018 08:14:28 pm
This gives me an interesting twist w my Narc. We broke up 3months ago and for the most part it’s been quiet. Now all of a sudden he is trying to blast me on FB. None of our mutual friends told me about the post and I assume he just couldn’t take it anymore so he sent me a screen shot of it, and what a “mutual” friend said at midnight Friday night. My girlfriends suggest that it takes longer for men to process a breakup and maybe he is acting out now because of that. But I know, is a smear campaign. I broke the cardinal rule and responded but I’d like to think I handled it well and anymore outburst from him will get nicely deleted and treated as if they didn’t happen. For now, I did interact and I defended some here and there and ultimately made fun that he sent me screenshot instead of unblocking me from the post so I could comment. He then came back with “don’t worry, I tagged your name” so, now he is posting MY name. The opposite of what you are saying above. I would be curious to know how to protect myself by talking to a lawyer about defamation of character towards me on a public platform. It is all the same things he did in our relationship,just his word against mine and no witnesses. This has witnesses. I redirected at one point and said you know if you wanted to talk to me you could have just said hello. I don’t think about you or any of this nonsense you are trying to make a thing so, if you don’t mind we can go back to not communicating. I’m good and I’m happy and have moved on from this relationship. At that point He went silent. I don’t know it that’s a blessing or fuel for his next rage fest. Is he going to pop up again when I least expect!?!
IAM Hurting
12/6/2018 02:40:09 pm
Isn't posting about an ex-spouse, significant other, parent, family member or any identified relationship equivalent to identification of that person and the same as responding in a backhanded way? That is what the smear campaign looks like toward me from my smearer. I am clearly identified even though my name is not used and has hurt as bad as if my name was inserted. Everyone knows who she is talking about. So I personally don't think being silent includes making post and simply not using the name of the person that is smearing you. Just MHO.
DarshansDaughter
7/18/2017 03:30:08 pm
Ditch your church and anything to do with it (social groups, kids camps, etc). God resides within us, not among gossipy social circles posing as pious people. Teach your girls this. Only YOU create your reputation and only among people who matter. The ones buying into the smear campaign (and even gossiping about you) are not worth yours or your daughters concern. If we had all been taught this information (only associate with those who respect you and are not weak of character), none of us would have ever made ourselves vulnerable to these predators in the first place.
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Devon
6/29/2017 08:10:33 am
My husband left me and the kids on Monday... He is already on every dating, hookup site out there and is involved in multiple affairs... I'm broken and am still trying to do what I can to get him home... I need help..
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Julianna
7/3/2017 09:44:07 pm
Devon........I am so sorry you are hurting. It's okay to hurt. It's important to acknowledge our pain. But if he was abusive to you, that is not love. You and the kids deserve better than that. You are an awesome person and deserve all the best that life has to offer. Someone who treats you otherwise is not worthy of you. Sending you lots of peace and strength. I'll be thinking of you.
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Rita L Rast
7/1/2019 04:43:09 pm
Praying for you, dear lady......please reach out to the Lord....Who LOVES you.....and your beautiful family. When this happened to me.....I had a trusted friend and she helped me immensely through the mire of confusion and trickery that these poor souls enjoy creating in other's lives......get away, but get away with caution...do not share your thoughts and your goals.....JUST DO WHAT IS IN YOUR HEART.....God doesn't want us to suffer.....He wants your heart filled with joy, love and most of all peace.
Lisa
9/11/2019 11:27:14 am
It's not your fault he's on dating websites. He set those up on his own. I don't know if it's worth it for him to come back. What kind of man leaves his kids? Perhaps you should just close the door to him and seek child support. If he keeps re-entering your life, it is damaging to the children. The best thing to do is be by yourself now. Learn about yourself. Don't go dating again otherwise you'll end up in another dysfunctional relationship. Perhaps you can use this time to learn about your children. What is their favourite colour or favourite show? Spend time with your kids talking and doing stuff together. I'm sure they're craving attention from you since it seems you spent a lot of time trying to fix the relationship with your ex. This can be your little family now. There's no shame in being a single mother. But there is shame in staying with an abusive or neglectful spouse.
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6/29/2017 09:32:44 am
Survived abuse by the jerk......unfortunately did not know about Narcs.....just knew he was a lying, cheating, controlling, abusive, mean, heartless , in-love-with-himself jerk. Could not escape completely as have 2 children in common...not that he ever maintained them !..... Classic behaviour...once he could no longer control me his modus operendi was to control what others think about me. VERY damaging. Thankfully I now recognise him for the Narc he is...he ticks every box. My now husband is a tower of strength to me...but we have both experienced the triangulation and Flying Monkeys...very painful...very wounding. We are where we are......Thank goodness for people like you who have enlightened, supported and helped to heal. Thankyou.
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Julianna
7/9/2017 12:31:58 pm
Rosy.......You are quite welcome. Yes, toxic people like Narcissists will control what others thinks of us when they can no longer control us. That's the classic smear campaign. Their tactics can be quite damaging indeed. But I am glad you are on a healing journey and have found someone who is a pillar of strength for you in your life.
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Lynn
6/29/2017 12:23:27 pm
I never defended myself against the ex or certain family members. I felt if people were so naive to fall for that crap, it was their problem not mine. Plus those who really knew me never did fall for it. That helped me weed out who my true friends were.
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Julianna
7/1/2017 09:54:43 am
Lynn.........A very good point to make. There's a quote that goes something like "Those who believe you will never doubt you." And that is very true.
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Daisy Faye
7/30/2018 01:12:40 am
I’m really struggling with this right now. My own family, people who have known me my entire life and know that I’ve never been one to make up things, lie, and never had a vivid imagination, rather, I’ve always minimized painful things, wasn’t a complainer, kept things to myself, my own people who KNOW me look at me as though I’ve lost my mind, they don’t believe me or take me seriously, and I’ve barely scratched the surface in things I’ve told them. It’s easier for them to stick their heads in the sand and tell themselves and me that it’s my fault, I’m imagining things, I’m just bitter, etc. It’s driven me insane!! I believe this has hurt even more than the abuse, because it’s invalidating. Thank God for my therapist and DV advocate who have no doubt that I’m being truthful, but it’s so maddening when those who really know me aren’t taking me seriously, think I’m nuts for needing and wanting to move away and change my identity. They have no clue how dangerous he is and the things he is capable of. I feel so trapped!! I don’t know where else I can go to seek help. It seems there is none.
Rita L Rast
7/1/2019 04:47:55 pm
Yep. It is the process of elimination......unfortunately, I found that many needed to be weeded out........God stepped in "big-time"......it was a change in focus.....and He is the only one who has sustained me with HIS Love, Joy and Peace.....these gifts are from Him and Him alone....and the best part is - the world and all the narcs, bullies, phony baloney friends, family cannot take it away. I have one very good friend - in addition to Our Lord...she weighs 3.5 pds, and loves me no matter what.....Mia - my Yorkie! LOL......
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Julianna
7/1/2017 09:56:37 am
Sally......It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what kind of timeline it would take for outsiders to realize we are being the truthful ones. I am 7 years post Narc and I still have people in my life who would rather believe the worst in me. All we can do is just hang in there. I hope the people in my life come around soon because it does hurt to not have those people in my life.
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Milly
9/17/2017 04:56:37 pm
I want to send an email to my narc sister and two flying monkey brothers, one of whom is also a narc. For over two years, my sister has shockingly abused my husband who did nothing but good in our family and for our mother (now deceased) but the sister was jealous of his close relationship with her. I want to send a letter outlining their behaviour and events to defend him. It would be a kind of catharsis for us both to write this sort of summary. The non-narc brother may realise then that he has been duped if he can read about the whole thing in a structured summary. I don't intend to try to go around other people as I think that would be futile. After that there would be no more contact even if they replied. Do you think this would be a bad idea?
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Mary
9/30/2017 08:09:10 am
My NX ran his smear campaign the entire marriage. He was already a pro when he 'found' me. I had no idea what was happening. I'd never dealt with anyone/anything like this. I wanted out for so long, but feared because he threatened to kill me/kids if I left. His rage was that bad. I'm out one year & still struggling to find myself. He uses kids to get to me. Baby steps & prayer keep me going. Thanks for sharing your stories, I'm so sorry you endured this, but grateful you survived to share your stories with others.
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11/9/2017 01:08:05 am
Last Sept 17,I met my elem classmte in fb, and he share his life that he is living with cousin and mom of his 2 chldren.So they arent married , and in5yrs they are not in relatioship but still living in one house.He s still there to support younger daughter who is in Senior High.
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Lyn Fair
12/1/2017 05:03:56 pm
Hello. I am so thankful to have stumbled upon this. It is helpful. The narcissist in my life is my own daughter. After many years of making excuses for her I was finally forced to accept the reality of what she really is. It was difficult to wrap my head around the idea that one of my own children could really be so mentally ill or maybe just plain evil or both? In realizing that even the worst serial killers and criminals in history all had mother's I was able to begin to see the light. Yes this could really be happening. It has taken more than twenty years for me to get where I am today. Just one year ago I finally had to make the difficult decision to cut all ties with her. Once her behavior began to seriously affect my health there really was no other option. At this time I am again having difficulty ignoring her most recent and currently ongoing smear campaign against me. She is very ruthlessly and successfully manipulating a situation where I am once again to be excluded from spending any time with any of my family over Christmas. It is especially difficult because the same family members were conned by the same lies and manipulation tactics only five years ago, also at Christmas time. It feels like a bad dream and I have to wonder if they will ever be able to see the truth. It is both amazing and frightening to me that the same people are being fooled in the same way and Im finding it frustrating that they do not see the truth. As for my daughter, the years have only enabled her to become a better liar, more devious, better at the same old manipulations, able to more cunningly portray herself as some innocent victim while she remains anything but, more vindictive and so on. Once again she has managed to get her children to repeat her lies to others as though they were truth. She has done this on many other occassions as well. I have witnessed how she accomplishes this. She does so by constantly verbally bashing her victims and repeating her lies over and over until her children seem to honestly believe them and then repeat them to others at her urging, thus giving much credit to her false claims. It is at this time that she has always rewarded her children with new electronics or some other item they have really wanted. I should also include here that her most often used tactic is to use her children to gain sympathy from others. She begins by claiming that one or both of her children have a new problem or issue. Once she has the sympathy of others and has them wanting to be helpful, she ever so slyly starts twisting her story, shifting blame for any claimed problems onto the person she is currently attempting to hurt, discredit and exclude. Her motive in doing this is always the same. Her victim either called her out on her dishonesty causing her to fear having her lies exposed or refused to be manipulated by her. It is important to note that using her children works especially well for her because their father died suddenly from cancer when they were age 6 and 10. Everyone is already very sympathetic towards them so it's a very short trip between her claiming they have some sort of problem to having people bending over backwards to accommodate her wishes. In fact she will most often claim that one or both children are having some new difficulty dealing with their father's death. On many of those occassions I have been able to speak with the children and each time they have believably convinced me that they did not have any new problem.
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Marie
1/27/2018 08:14:12 am
What does one do when a community stalking is being done to you? Your life is being controlled by everyone around you. Most of them don't even know the whole story nor do they care, all they know is if they do not go along with what a higher authority is telling them to do, then they themselves will be a victim too. Constant mind games are being played with me and my family. We can't sell our home because everytime we hire someone to come in and fix things, they end up costing us more money and screwing up with what we asked for even more. These contractors provoke us and when we complain in emails and texting, its like that s what they want so they can prove to whoever put them up to it, can see that they actually did it. There is literally no one to turn to. Family members have all turned away and have engaged in the war fare too. I haven't found any information out there that says what to really do to stop people from ruining your life. People really need help in this area, where is it?
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Lily
3/3/2018 01:42:21 pm
The character and reputation of my family and family business has been tarnished by a petty neighbor. A dispute that has been resolved years ago is being resurfaced and twisted on social media and neighborhood gossip into a version that makes us look like terrible monsters. We have stayed silent for over 5 years. Recently I ruined it by thinking I can sit down and just talk with that neighbor. But by attempting to contact her, I think I just gave them what they wanted. My thought was at least I tried to resolve the issue. But of course no reply and I just gave more ammunition for the smear campaign. I realize now that this is the work of a troubled narcissist and toxic mob mentality. Going in defense mode or trying to explain myself is not going to work. So I have an idea of printing out cards with the definition of narcissist and smear campaign on one side and maybe a link to collect evidence for a defamation case on the other side. I can hand these out to the neighbors/strangers that seem to recognize me from the public posts. Is this a good idea? Or can it backfire like the attempt to talk??
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Sarah
3/21/2018 07:27:04 pm
I didn't find this article helpful. I've been the subject of a smear campaign led by my brother for more than 20 years. He has successfully turned my entire immediate family, plus a few family friends, against me; including, finally, my dad at the end of his life (when my dad's mind was impaired by dementia). Meanwhile, I've been trying to take the "high road" by staying silent, thinking my family will see the light. All it has done is give my brother free rein to do his worst. My sister has now become his 2nd-in-command in the endless villianization of everything I say and do. I've come nearly to the point of "breaking up" permanently with my own family, just to protect my own sanity and emotional stability, and chance at happiness. So based on my own experience, I feel that there MUST be some more effective method for dealing with an interpersonal smear campaign than staying silent. I don't know what that method is, though. As mentioned in the article, on the few occasions that I have tried to defend myself or point out the illogic of their arguments, I get treated as crazy, or in some other way, again villianized.
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Rita L Rast
7/1/2019 05:16:09 pm
It does no good to come up against these very sick - manipulating - controlling people......family, friends, children.....et al. They will believe what they wish - it is sometimes because these bullying, sickos are exactly that and the weak at heart want to remain in their "good graces".....you are the strong one.....and any ammunition you provide - aka - you try to deal with them - THEY USE IT AGAINST YOU and it feeds their pursuit of hatred, envy or whatever is in their sick little minds.....those who know you and like you for who you are will be the ones that matter......if there are none of those......you need to realize that God loves you....and HE KNOWS and ultimately it is HE THAT MATTERS......you must rise above it and not allow yourself to be dragged into their games.....it is your soul that matters....do you understand what these people can take from you.....God warns us to fear those that can take your body AND SOUL IF YOU LET THEM.....leave them to Him.....pray for the scumbags and say "bye-bye"......God bless you.
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Dane
3/27/2018 12:10:09 am
Wait. Don't respond. Be smeared. Wait some more. Don't respond. Be smeared. Don't respond. Face it. Face reality. We lose and we lose bad. Are we delusional in thinking we actually win? I know I lost.
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Aaa
3/29/2018 10:15:12 am
Unfortunately I did not follow this advice.
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Milly
4/7/2018 08:11:54 am
I would try to forget about it all together and if your ex contacts you again, ignore it so he doesn't get hoovered back into your life. You have found a new freedom and sense of self and the last thing you need is him returning to wreck that. You can make another request to the website to take down your post (but I wouldn't offer any money for it) though the owner might not respond. If it stays there, don't worry about it.
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Aamm
5/5/2018 06:14:24 pm
First i would like to say. You ran a smear campaign your self. That was wrong. People do stupid stuff in the heat of moment, this is true. When you dont own it yourself and make admends to the person after you may have been confronted on it, narc or not. Narcs do not no remorse or apologise. Its a start. Come clean, no one can fault u for that.
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Aaron
5/5/2018 06:33:33 pm
Similar thing. After i broke up with ex narc. She went on a website and smeared me bad. All of it was ethier made up or completely taken out of context. She used a pic that she had taken while i was holding our son. 2 years later, a friend sent it to me. I was devastated to say the least, at the time, we were or i thought we were was mending our relationship. I confronted her about. Of course denials, then in the same breath beat me down with it. I was a complete wreck!!! All i needed was her to only defend me if she didn't do it. Narc cant ommit there garbage and mind fuckery on others. Mix that in with her addiction Issues. Its worse. I rather valcation in HELL. Year later im still hurt,but i am healing. Over the past year i tried to defend myself posted real truth on that blog. Just made me look like a idiot. I as well regretted saying anything. Gave the narc more ammo. More supply. Previous reply post was me as well. I didnt realise i misspelled my name untill later. What you did was bad behaviours on your part, correct it with goid ones. Own your mistakes.
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Louise Armonio
4/18/2018 08:29:46 pm
Best way to reply to a smear campaign is to block the smearer & everyone connected to him. If you know who you are & believe in yourself what he says behind yr back wont matter. By blocking them u wont hear it & there will be no need to reply & defend yourself. Most people know hes a liar anyway. They only put up with these people because their own lives are so boring they need the drama he creates to survive their own pathetic lives.
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Aaron Miller
5/5/2018 06:05:14 pm
I never in my life thought people like this existed. I was ina whirl wind of wth!! What is going on, where am i in all this. Will there ever just be peace?? No, after 5 years of all the above. I accept that their is none until i just leave their grip. We have a child in common. So there has to be some contact. It must be to the point. Issue only relevant. Its still tough
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Toni albrecht
5/6/2018 01:48:18 pm
I have ignored my smear campaign although I did share alot of post about narcissism on my fb page. Saying nothing really is the only way!! Its hard I find myself bitter and angry All the Time. Its easy to just say move on with your life believe me I know. But ignoring is the only way!
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Tio Huisman
5/11/2018 11:07:04 pm
If they have broken the law you want to have your right. Without punishment whil they have broken with the law and did criminal acts.
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Terri McCarty
6/5/2018 10:08:19 am
My narcissist is my sister. I finally went NC in 2016 at age 51 after our parents deaths. Today she has me. Yesterday she had me. Two days given up to her. Even NC. She caught a glimpse of me in the background of a photo at her daughters house (whom I am close with) and it has set her off on a smear campaign. It hurts. I came here to fight the urge to engage. Thank you for having this blog. My ideas of contacting her to yell at her to stop beating up my niece for having me. To stop telling her twisted, reconfigured versions of the truth. To stop hurting everybody. How does she have me sitting here crying?? Help... I need to get a grip. I will read the blog more.
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Rachel Zugg
9/23/2018 04:39:30 am
My sister in law is currently trying to ruin my life. I've known what she is for a while, and when I would not let her start controlling my kids, she lost it completely. The smear campaign is on... Me, my kids, we are her prime target. She has turned my brother and her 3 small kids, 8, 6, and 3,all against us. My nephew said he hates me the other day. Unfortunately I was cornered into reacting a few weeks ago. They harassed my kids at a football game and my kids felt so ashamed and bullied they called me to come get them early. So we were all face to face when I picked them up from the game. Then she and my brother called my children trash to my face... In front of my children... And I slapped my brother in the mouth. She convinced my brother he had to have me arrested for assault. Of course he's being manipulated by her ways and of course he had me arrested.
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Xavier
10/7/2018 01:54:26 pm
I was married to a Narcissistic woman for 20 years, she may have been Borderline Personality also. The abusive behaviors, the baiting, the attempts at public humiliation were frustrating and I now know that intentional embarrassment is a dominance thing they are trying to dominate you socially. I didn't figure this out until getting divorced and getting a clear head. Then it dawned on me my mother acts the same way. Passive aggressive if you displease her she will wait and embarrass you or make some really hurtful cutting comment purposely. So now I have to deal with another narcissist a cousin I recently started hanging out with. Again at first I wasn't aware of what she was. Little by little I started recognizing the patterns of behavior. It was almost textbook Idealize - Devalue - Discard only this person keeps you on discard permanently and emotionally abuses you constantly with snide comments, comments designed to provoke a reaction on what the abuser thinks are your soft spots or triggers. Bait and switch, passive aggressive behaviors, attempts at re initiating the idealization temporarily to throw me off guard. Sends text messages just to see if I will reply and if I do 2 weeks go by and that behavior gets repeated. Complete lack of empathy, I said that I was sick through a text message and this person provoked me with a nasty comment about why I was in a sick condition instead of saying I hope you feel better. Then if I react to such provoking my reaction is gossiped to everyone that will listen. I have been slandered and lied about. I asked this persons mother if she has a personality disorder. Big Mistake because now she knows that I know and the behavior got even worse. I started noticing every little behavior and inconsistency with this person often catching them in blatant and obvious lies. I attempt to go No Contact and they call my phone, if I don't answer the phone they send nasty text messages and like the behavior described above if I reply to that text message they go back to the silent treatment with text messages. Gaslighting she has called me crazy when I called her on some of this behavior. Again textbook because calling the person calling them out crazy is the 1st thing they do. No Contact is all I can do, If I have to move and change my phone number and email I will, I have the means and time to do so.
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Lisa
9/11/2019 11:49:44 am
I used to idealize people. I am also guilty of criticizing them horribly but it is usually after they have hurt me horribly. I give too much to others at first and expect something in return. Then, these people take advantage of me. What can you do? Nothing. I was the one who did that favour for them and was expecting something back. And, I should have known the relationship was unbalanced the first time they promised to help me but didn't deliver. Maybe they find it really difficult to give. Some people feel like they are losing something if they help. What they don't realise is that one can help someone and one can always so 'no' to things. There is right and wrong. People say it's petty to count tit for tat. This is true, but generally speaking either you're giving too much or they are not giving you enough. Either way, your gut tells you something is wrong and you can adjust your behaviour. However, if their neglect is causing problems in the every day workings of your life or project, you need to rethink if they are as valuable as you thought.
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Xavier
10/9/2018 05:13:14 am
I forgot to add that I believe this article is 100% accurate. The smear campaign starts long before people realize it. You have to just keep quiet and not get all defensive. I myself noticed this that when around certain people they would act all awkward when I would show up someplace and hen lighten up as time elapsed. I believe I was being slandered and smeared and these people didn't know how to deal with that or me. I just kept being myself. One incident I walked into a room this woman spotted me her eyes got big, she looked at her sister who's smearing me, then she looked back at me, and then looked at the floor almost apologetically or shamefully. Just pay attention to the social cues like this. It's easier if you know the people well. Please be strong and care for yourself if this is happening to you.
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Jessica
3/23/2019 03:28:50 pm
Just wanted to offer another perspective: I am dealing with this in the workplace, where professional reputations are at stake. A senior coworker pretended to be a mentor and ally to me for years before I realized what he really is and all of the damage he was covertly achieving. (Fortunately, I did not let him into my personal life despite his best attempts.) He made the mistake of trying to build a harem of young new female employees around himself, and breaking our own silence to each other was critical in recognizing the abuse. We had enough to report his behavior to HR. He is not allowed to interact with us anymore, but was not fired. I started following the trail of people he'd said had wronged him, and found others like me who had left the company. I started wondering if I should do the same. Yet I kept thinking of the poor woman who might replace me, and it deterred me from running away. Finally I opened up to the one other female coworker in my work group. I thought she was his friend, but I'd learned from speaking with past victims that he overstated nearly all of his friendships. I took the risk knowing that it might backfire. I didn't share much at first: I was thinking I might leave, but I couldn't do so in good conscience without breaking the silence. She responded warmly and immediately figured out who I was talking about. She'd worked with him for a long time and realized he'd been trying to do the same to her. Since then we've spoken with more of the team, and many of us have suffered in silence for years not realizing that we all felt the same way about him.
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Milly
7/3/2019 12:50:04 pm
I have returned to this post time and again to keep myself focused on the need to never again make contact with my narcissistic sister, following her smearing of myself and my husband to family and friends 4 years ago. I have no idea what further smearing she may have done. At least we live far enough away not to have to bump into her or those members of the family who are still in the locality. However, she keeps hoovering, sending me the odd text about happenings in her life, as if nothing ever happened. I have to steel myself to not answer and have so far managed not to do so.
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Change Agent
8/8/2019 12:21:04 pm
As much as possible we should refrain from engaging in non-sense arguments. However, once your safety and livelihood are threatened silence is no longer an option. While others may ignorantly support the foolish assumptions that you have some interest in or preoccupation with the abuser you must take action to secure your well-being. Speak out, the only thing that cannot be taken is your voice. Be cautious about how you speak and who you speak to, but make no mistake do not lose your voice.
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Lisa
9/11/2019 11:19:13 am
A lot of narcissists make it all about themselves. They steal your friends, steal your ideas, steal your stuff. They have a sense of over-entitlement and are extremely jealous. Neither can they admit any sort of failure or personality defect. After they are finished, you realise that you spent a year trying to please them and all they want is more (without paying you or worse taking money from you) for your work. The best thing to do is just leave them alone.
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I'm feeling very angry because my mom who is a narcissistic sociopath is trying to endanger my safety by communicating with my husband .I am separated from him because he was violent and attempted to kill me at least 4 times.She sides with him because I told her I am not her emotional punching bag.The problem is she is probably going to die from lung cancer.She doesn't quit smoking and is bitter,vindictive and filled with contempt for her family members. My question is how do I go no contact if she is desperately I'll.I do not want to be around her anymore because of her bitterness and abusiveness.She has hit me twice before and is my birth mom .I was not raised by her.Now I went low contact and she escalated her smearing and her vicious lies.The problem is that others believe her...now I am hated as well as her saying I dont help her when she is very abusive to me.How do I cope with a so called mother who invited violent husband to hurt me. She also held a knife to my brother's neck when he was 2 years old.She admitted it to me but justified it by saying she wasn't really going to hurt him but that her mother hid her vodka and that's why she had done it. My mom is a bitter person because she was never shown much love growing up...I feel compassion for her but she makes it very hard for me to feel safe around her. I know she will die in about a year.I have mixed emotions about helping her as she is aggressively smearing me as well as being extremely difficult to be around.Any suggestions would be welcome
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Oh what i would not give to have known this when my entire birth family of Narcs turned against me. You are 100% correct!!!
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Greetings, my warrior survivor friends! Welcome to my blog. I'm Julianna Jen, the owner and creator of this site. Check out the My Story section to read about why I started this blog. Thanks for stopping in. And feel free to comment on any post, share your own thoughts and stories. I would love to hear from you! Archives
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